Smash Wars!

In the last month or so a new trend has swept the Island like a tsunami, forcing its inhabitants to each lunch out more for fear of missing out and being one step behind the cool kids. OK maybe just me but we def all ran to these places let’s be honest.

First there was the Phire burger, with its fancy-cooked-over charcoal stylings, then the Sands, with its back-to-basics and quality offering and Upstairs at Anley St have thrown their hat in the ring with the bougie McD take.

Now finally, I will settle, WHO HATH WON THE WAR OF SMASHBURGERS?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?

I’ve set this match into 3 categories,

Flavour – Seems…… pretty important
Construction – How does it hold together? Is there tomato slipping out the side? Are my hands covered in sauce? What was the state of my beard afterwards?!
Vibe – How does this burger make me feel?

Phire Burger

“Smoked PHIRE Burger, onion, pickles and kecap manis mayo”

The Phire burger was the first of the three I tried, and I really tried it. Like twice a week for about 3 weeks.

The Flavour: Wonderful smoky burger, raw onion (a fave of mine) kecap manis (soy sauce sweetened with jaggery or palm sugar, used a lot in Satay) really works well with the smokiness of the burger, adding a depth of umami that’s so so good. The bun itself is great, a little sweet and really holds up to the patties and toppings. I’m not a huge fan of brioche rolls, that much fat in the dough causes structural integrity issues normally for me, but this is spot on! And of course it’s literally branded!

Construction: As your resident Thicc King reviewer, I have only ever had the double patty, and it holds together really well. Nothing trying to escape, no half the toppings on plate afterwards, all that delicious business is reserved for “pour la bouche” as they say, because “for the gob” doesn’t sound as fancy.

My one concern, as its cooked on a grate over charcoal, giving it that delicious flavour, is it a TRUE Smash?!!?! CONTROVERSY! And so I have created tension, like all good writers.

Vibe: Oh my, how fancy! Perhaps no surprise given Phire is the “little Sister” of Samphire, so expect all the top-quality ingredients and expertise you would from there. Might wear a monocle next time I go.

Sands

“Two homemade jersey beef smash patties, SANDS burger salt, American cheese, gherkins, brioche bun”

Took we a while to get out to Sands (see my review here) and I really enjoyed it. I touched on the smash in my review, but how will it stack up against the others?!

The Flavour: Now the menu says brioche roll, and if that is the case then it’s the softest and most robust brioche roll I’ve ever had, and I commend them for it. Excellent well-seasoned patties that are the real star of the show, the perfectly cooked beef really dominating, presumably from the “Burger Salt” they mention, that I’m going to have to ask them about! That combined with gooey American cheese and pickles, its super simple, but exactly what I wanted, bread, beef, cheese, pickle. All executed perfectly. Bosh. Delicious.

Construction: Like a legit California smash, the cheese fuses the bun to the burger, meaning I could eat it one handed, whilst surfing, for example, or during a fencing lesson. This is the wonder of this type of smash, its almost self contained, the gooey cheese melding everything together.

Vibe: This one gives real “I feel like I should be able to do this at home, what the hell am I missing?” vibes. So simple, but perfect. I’ve never been one for hockey puck of mac’n’cheese in burgers, or 40 onion rings, so I love the simplicity and focus on quality.

Upstairs at Anley St (Upstairs)

“x2 Beef Patties, Yellow Cheese, Burger Sauce. White Onion, Gherkin, Lettuce, Sesame Brioche Bun”

The new kid on the block, a little more complicated than at Sands, and you can get those fried potatoes that actually are as good as the hype suggests.

Flavour: The greatest Big Mac I have ever had. Cards on the table, I quite like a McDonalds from time to time. You don’t drink as much wine as I do without crawling to Maccy D’s once in a while for the Big Mac and a side Double Cheese.

I’m quite amazed at how they’ve replicated the Big Mac experience, the sauce is right, the diced onions, the shredduce. I inhaled the first one of these I tried.

Both patties have that real fresh off the griddle juicy smokiness, then add on that sauce and dill pickles to cut through that fat, we got ourselves a party!

Construction: Not gonna lie, it’s a big boy! Holds together well, but it’s not the full Big Mac experience without saucy fingers (snigger) and some lettuce flying out the back is it?

Vibe: I shouldn’t be eating this, but this is a lovely place so its probably ok! It’s a Big Mac without the guilt! White tablecloths means health, right? Grown up burger time!

THE JUDGEMENT

Before it’s time for the final verdict, I have heard from the Judges and they have made a decision on the Phire Burger…

It DOES count as a smash burger! That’s going to upset some people but this is Smash WAR not Smash MAKE FRIENDS.

THE FINAL VERDICT

We are lucky enough to have three quite different Smash Burgers here, so really it depends on what you’re after (not copping out I will name my fave at the end).

If you want a classy burger of a sort you have NOT had before go to Phire. It’s kecap manis and the peanut mayo with the fries is truly excellent, its fancy enough for a lunch date and not quite as spenny as its big sister Sam.

If you want a back to basics, best in class simple burger, get thyself to Sands, get a ginger beer, and the tacos, and watch all the people who did get off their butts and learn to surf. Hell get two burgers, you deserve it.

If you want a nostalgic Maccy D time, get down to Upstairs. Like all their food, its familiar and nostalgic but also feels elevated and little fancy.

So to my decision.

My fave is……. Upstairs! I cannot resist the call of nostalgia, and like starting a wine blog to excuse the amount you drink, its covers me indulging my weakness for the golden arches.

This isn’t to say the others aren’t excellent, it just means in a 4 week month I can have them all and Upstairs twice!

If there’s a smash burger I should try locally, shout in the comments, on my insta or directly at me in the street (don’t do that one please I scare easily)

Thanks to all the restaurants, I hope you agree with my thoughts, see you at lunch!